GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
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My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
My birthstone is kidney