I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
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I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
who wore it better?
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.