Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
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If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE