I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
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Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I just love that new Pope smell.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.