me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
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what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
How dude HOW?!
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!