old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
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Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons