you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
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Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure