A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
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He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.