me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
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I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?