“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
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We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
A tragic love story in two pictures.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
This could be us but you eatin’
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Girl, same.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7