Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
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Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
🙋♀️
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail