wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
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Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week