John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer đ
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ME: I canât believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you donât shut up Iâll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. Heâs earned it
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
lot of the younger folks wonât know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the personâs hand that you were talking to
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Me: Hi! Iâm here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. Thatâs the one.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Overheard at the mall: âItâs 70% off plus another 30% off… thatâs 100% off!â
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
i bet when fish see itâs raining theyâre like âoh cool a refillâ
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, âYou wouldnât lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??â And I had misunderstood the question because Iâd be happy to lie to the cops I just didnât want to carry stuff.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.