Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
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A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.