Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
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Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
The “baby” on the left….
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.