I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
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*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail