PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
You Might Also Like
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Note to self: I am a note
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead