My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
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Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.