Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
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me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.