Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
You Might Also Like
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it