CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
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watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
The best plant holders?
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people