I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
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*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Beware…..
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”