My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
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I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!