After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Hot hot hot 🥵
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
How dramatic are you?
the pigeons are already plenty salty
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.