My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
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A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
@funTweeters
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess