For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
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I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.