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You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Who says great literature is dead?
look at me when i’m typing to you
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant