fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
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How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?