I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
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When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.