popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
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The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
You’ll be OK
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.