Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
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Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
The Struggle
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.