Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
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you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.