My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
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I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”