My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
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Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.