I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
You Might Also Like
Butt weight. There’s more!
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.