[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
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I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.