I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
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I feel attacked.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.