Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
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Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I love wikipedia
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.