Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
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Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss