“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
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Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
New mindset, who dis?
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
why I oughta
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…