“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
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I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect