I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
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BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building