I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
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What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Cat.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad