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Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
My life in a nutshell
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
technically true but not a great slogan
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Strangers have the best candy.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”