Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
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Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”