Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
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*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.