Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
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When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale