Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
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This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
At least my masseuse has my back.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
For those that worship cheese..
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.