[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
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[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Sorry. Not sorry
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*