Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
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[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Oh yeah that’s it
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers